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Caregivers and Guilt - What It Means, What to Do About ItBy B. A. Curran
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Caregivers and Guilt - What It Means, What to Do About It
Most caregivers have many responsibilities and taking care of an aging mother or father is only one of them. You may work full time. You may have teenagers still at home. You may feel under continual pressure to do every thing and be everything - caregiver, mother, employee, spouse, daughter, housekeeper, cook, chauffeur.
In trying to do it all, you may feel that you are shortchanging everyone, including yourself. And that makes you feel guilty.You might feel angry or resentful about the sacrifices you have to make to look after your parent - giving up time with your kids and partner, abandoning personal hobbies and activities, using your own savings to pay for your parent's expenses. And then you feel guilty for having those negative feelings.
Whatever your reasons for feeling guilty or resentful, you need to find ways to cope with your emotional stress before it becomes overwhelming. Guilt is usually a pointless and destructive emotion that can lead to depression and even destroy your health. Here are some tips to free you from unnecessary guilt so you can take better care of your loved ones and also, equally important, yourself.
<b>Acknowledge and accept your feelings.</b> Guilt, anger, and resentment are normal and understandable feelings in this situation. Accept the fact that from time to time you will feel all of these things. That doesn't make you a terrible person, it just makes you human. Acting on those feelings may not be appropriate, but you're allowed to feel however you feel. If you can, find yourself a confidante or therapist to whom you can vent your emotions without creating more conflict in your life.
<b>Focus on quality time, not quantity time.</b> With all your responsibilities there will never be enough time for everyone, so concentrate on giving quality attention in smaller amounts. Get help with the mundane tasks so you can spend more time doing the important things. For example, instead of spending hours cleaning and cooking for a parent, hire someone to perform those jobs. Use your time together doing enjoyable things lik
e taking walks, watching TV, or going shopping.
<b>Set priorities.</b> Your hours and your energy are limited - use them wisely. Lower your expectations. Does your home really need to be spotless? Is frozen pizza once in a while instead of a home-cooked meal such a bad thing? Find ways to eliminate low priority tasks - or get others to help. Hire a professional to do some of the caretaking duties, or use a weekly housekeeping service. Be sure to set aside time for the things you really want to do.
<b>Reconsider your definition of caring.</b> There are many ways to show caring. Some children have never had a warm relationship with their parents. Caring for your parent doesn't mean that you have to feel affectionate towards him or her. It helps, of course, but it really isn't necessary to feel love in order to be a good caregiver. Caring for your parent also doesn't mean that you have to be the one doing everything. Sometimes the most caring and considerate thing to do is arrange for someone else to look after your parent's needs. It's been said that love is not how you feel, it's what you do. As long as your actions are loving and responsible, your feelings are no one else's business.
<b>Don't give in to pressure from others.</b> In your caregiving role, you will probably make some tough decisions about your parents' care - where they live, what services they receive, what medical care they need. And you may run into people who criticize you the way you do things, questioning your love and commitment. They may boast that they would never let their mother live in a nursing home, or they may imply that you really should be doing more. Remember that you are the expert on your situation, no one else. As long as you have considered the options, done your research, and tried to make decisions that take everyone's needs into account, don't doubt yourself. Trust your own instincts.
As the caregiver of a parent or elderly relative, you may experience huge amounts of guilt. If you are struggling because you can't do all things for all people, lighten up. Get help from others to ease the burden and stop being so hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can.
In trying to do it all, you may feel that you are shortchanging everyone, including yourself. And that makes you feel guilty.You might feel angry or resentful about the sacrifices you have to make to look after your parent - giving up time with your kids and partner, abandoning personal hobbies and activities, using your own savings to pay for your parent's expenses. And then you feel guilty for having those negative feelings.
Whatever your reasons for feeling guilty or resentful, you need to find ways to cope with your emotional stress before it becomes overwhelming. Guilt is usually a pointless and destructive emotion that can lead to depression and even destroy your health. Here are some tips to free you from unnecessary guilt so you can take better care of your loved ones and also, equally important, yourself.
<b>Acknowledge and accept your feelings.</b> Guilt, anger, and resentment are normal and understandable feelings in this situation. Accept the fact that from time to time you will feel all of these things. That doesn't make you a terrible person, it just makes you human. Acting on those feelings may not be appropriate, but you're allowed to feel however you feel. If you can, find yourself a confidante or therapist to whom you can vent your emotions without creating more conflict in your life.
<b>Focus on quality time, not quantity time.</b> With all your responsibilities there will never be enough time for everyone, so concentrate on giving quality attention in smaller amounts. Get help with the mundane tasks so you can spend more time doing the important things. For example, instead of spending hours cleaning and cooking for a parent, hire someone to perform those jobs. Use your time together doing enjoyable things lik
<b>Set priorities.</b> Your hours and your energy are limited - use them wisely. Lower your expectations. Does your home really need to be spotless? Is frozen pizza once in a while instead of a home-cooked meal such a bad thing? Find ways to eliminate low priority tasks - or get others to help. Hire a professional to do some of the caretaking duties, or use a weekly housekeeping service. Be sure to set aside time for the things you really want to do.
<b>Reconsider your definition of caring.</b> There are many ways to show caring. Some children have never had a warm relationship with their parents. Caring for your parent doesn't mean that you have to feel affectionate towards him or her. It helps, of course, but it really isn't necessary to feel love in order to be a good caregiver. Caring for your parent also doesn't mean that you have to be the one doing everything. Sometimes the most caring and considerate thing to do is arrange for someone else to look after your parent's needs. It's been said that love is not how you feel, it's what you do. As long as your actions are loving and responsible, your feelings are no one else's business.
<b>Don't give in to pressure from others.</b> In your caregiving role, you will probably make some tough decisions about your parents' care - where they live, what services they receive, what medical care they need. And you may run into people who criticize you the way you do things, questioning your love and commitment. They may boast that they would never let their mother live in a nursing home, or they may imply that you really should be doing more. Remember that you are the expert on your situation, no one else. As long as you have considered the options, done your research, and tried to make decisions that take everyone's needs into account, don't doubt yourself. Trust your own instincts.
As the caregiver of a parent or elderly relative, you may experience huge amounts of guilt. If you are struggling because you can't do all things for all people, lighten up. Get help from others to ease the burden and stop being so hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can.