What concerns me, as a high school governor, is that many parents see their role as parent change completely when their child leaves primary school and moves to the high school. Yes it is true that most children do not want Mum or Dad to escort them to the school gates as they did when at primary school, they lose their street ‘cred’ if it happens, but it would also appear that many parents appear to leave the development of the child through those difficult teenage years to the teachers of the school.

In a recent survey of children conducted by the DfES, it was amazing to see that 37% admitted to being disobedient at home compared to school. This does need further examination.

 Your teenage child comes home from school dumps them selves on the sofa and declares, ‘Nobody likes me’. What do you do?

Now the fact that most teenagers are subject to mood swings there could well be a deeper reason behind the words. Before verbally attacking the school, can I suggest that you look at what you may have done in the past to bring this about? Most teenagers want to feel accepted and need to establish a personal identity.

It is your responsibility as a parent to help develop your child’s self-confidence and self esteem. It is fortunately not too late to re-define your role. It is vitally important to balance sincere praise with sensitive criticism.

No one will pretend that it is easy to criticise a teenager even using the most sensitive of phrases, but it all depends on the role you have played as a parent during the formative years of your child. Again, it is no reason to opt out of responsibility blaming school staff and youth leaders for the misdemeanours of youth.

A very successful technique is called ‘catch them doing something rightR

17;. It is so easy to spot when things are going wrong, but for every negative response you give, try giving three positive responses.

A child, teenager, young adult who views themselves as worthwhile will be less inclined to fall foul of bad influences and break the rules of society. Before you start stoning me as heretic and quoting individual cases where a well-adjusted child fell foul of the rules of society, hear me out.

Do you like to be congratulated for doing a good job? Whether that job is in your work place or baking an apple pie the family devour with relish? We all appreciate being told we have done well.

Children are no different, the only difference is that when you tell a child they have done well, as long as it is sincere and not ‘luvvy duvvy!’ you are building their confidence and self- esteem. You must play that major role as a parent of pre-teenage and teenage children.

Building your child’s confidence grows out of a healthy, interactive, and mutually respectful relationship. Although they are loosening the apron strings and appear to be flying the coop, they still need that vital contact and strong relationship where they can return to, to rebuild their self-esteem when the hard world knocks them back.

It is possible to be a pal to your sibling while still maintaining the role of parent. Have fun, laugh at your own inability to understand the latest fashion or music. Make sure that you have quality family time, go out for lunch or dinner as a family and most important use the time to let them talk instead of being lectured to. Ask for their views on the world, news items even teenage behaviour you will be surprised how over a little time they will open up and talk, yes teenagers can talk. They need to appreciate that you hold their opinions dear; they need to know that they can please you. If they feel, their opinions count for nothing and they cannot please you they will stop trying and the fabric of the family breaks down.

So sorry, but if you have unruly teenagers don’t look at the school, their peer group, the social environment, look inwards on yourself, have you caused it and what can you do to remedy the situation.

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