It's weird when roles get reversed. Twenty years ago, my mom had to deal with an arrogant, seditious child like me, and now my family and I have to take care of her. Several years ago, my mother had a stroke while driving to church one Sunday morning after she picked up her friend. She crashed into a transformer on a busy intersection and broke her leg in the process - and her friend died in the accident. After being in the hospital for days, she was sent to a rehab center out of town for a few months, then sent home. But she never was the same person when she came back, she had trouble speaking and she couldn't walk. The following years have her bound to a wheelchair. I've spent over four years of my life trying my best to take care of her, but I realized I couldn't do it all on my own, and I was trying to carry this weight almost all by myself.

She has improved somewhat, but she still can't walk. She can talk, but sometimes she will mumble incoherently so that it frustrates the both of us. I fear she will never be the person she once was before the accident. I know it's her, she still has some mannerisms of her past, she still remembers things, but it's just not her anymore. For a moment I was even questioning God. My mother is the most religious person I know, you never knew such a devout Christian as her, why would God let this happen? Isn't He supposed to protect those who love Him? And if this was a test, I really wish I knew the answer to it. I'm over that now, realizing that bad things happen to good people all the time, beyond our control or sense of convenience.

However she doesn't make it easy for us, those who have to bathe her and feed her and take her places. She throws tantrums just like my little nephews. My sister, who's studying to be a nurse, says she might be suffering from dementia. I don't want to believe it, but in the back of my mind, I think my sister's right. I feel we're the only thing that's keeping her from being put in a nursing home. That's my ultimate fear. I just know she'll waste away in there. She can't be throwing tantrums or refusing to eat or take her meds, the staff will surely make her comply under duress, they certainly won't take any of her crying. It breaks my heart seeing her like this. I love my mother, but she makes it difficult for us to live with her and serve her needs.

I believe I'm a changed person because of the four years I spent taking care of her. Before I didn't really care about anyone except for myself, this experience forced me to think of the welfare of someone else, someone who really needs your help. There is always the hope that she'll walk again, try to regain some glimmer of independence. Every day is a new challenge, every day is a drama unfolding. When life throws you curveballs, you must know how to deal with them, yet it can't be how it was before. Change is unavoidable, it keeps finding ways of coming back around to you. Don't run away from them - embrace it - that's all you can do. Love life - every day is a gift.

Tags & Keywords : disabilities, mom, stroke, god