We all know the stories: A man's wife dies, leaving him to take care of his children. The father decides that he will remarry. Enter the stepmother. The stepmother is usually cruel to the man's children and usually has children of her own, who she treats like princes and princesses. In the older Grimm fairy tales, a happy ending usually consists of the man's children becoming rich, successful and happily married, while the wicked stepmother comes to a tragic and violent end. Although Disney movies have recently softened the ending to most of the Grimm fairy tales, the wicked stepmother character has not gone away.

This cultural phenomenon is dreadful and frightening news to women who are becoming stepmothers after deaths and divorces. The image of the wicked stepmother only adds onto the anxiety and pressure of being a stranger in an already established family, or attempting to be a mother figure to children who are having a hard time with the loss of a parent or the loss of their family as they knew it. But have no fear stepmothers of the world! It is possible to integrate yourself into a family and not be pigeonholed into a Cinderella story!

Every family is different and holds their own challenges. These differences can range from the presence or absence of the mother, the father's friendly or war-like relationship to the mother after a divorce, the ages of the step-children, and whether the stepmother has children of her own. Despite the different types of challenges a stepmother comes across, there are some pretty universal things that may help you on your journey.

Always remember that you are not, and never will be, Mom. It is very important to acknowledge and show children that you are not trying to replace their mother, but will do your best to take care of them (and their father) and love them while they are in your home. That is, you do not have to be loved more or less than their mother, because your relationship with the children is in a different category than their relationship with their mother. Part of building your relationship with stepchildren may have to be showing them that they can talk about their mother, miss their mother, and love their mother while they are with you. Along with this is realizing that you never should talk negatively about their mother to the children. If you have grievances about her, discuss them with your husband in private. Speaking negatively about your stepchildren's mother to them will only make the children feel defensive and caught between two adults and households. This is especially important if the kids have already gone through a messy divorce and/or the father's current relationship with the mother is difficult.

Begin building a positive relationship. Because you are not Mom, establishing what kind of relationship you will have with your stepchildren is important. Depending on the age and personality of the children, the building of a relationship may be slower or faster than you expect. Being part of family activities, like going to the park or reading bedtime stories, is a great way to make yourself present in their lives. Do not be disappointed if at first the children mostly interact with their father during these activities; it will get better. Take interest in their school activities, friends, and hobbies. Making time for just you and the kids will be important, too. Especially in the beginning, make this time fun time, not a time to run errands. Conversely, respecting the children's relationship with their father and giving them time to interact without you is probably a good idea. Of course, being a thoughtful and kind person is essential in establishing any friendship and relationship; support from your partner can help. That is, a father verbally recognizing something nice that a stepmother does may encourage children to see and be thankful for the work or kind things that you do!

Be careful about taking on certain parenting duties, such as disciplining, before establishing a positive relationship with your stepchildren. This is not to say that you need to take abuse or be walked over, but make sure that, especially in the beginning, the father is the main disciplinarian in the household. Once trust and love is established, it will be easier for children to accept you having control in their lives.

Lastly, encourage children to see their family as special and good, rather than abnormal and bad. A great book for younger children is The Family Book by Todd Parr. The book shows all different kinds of families and sends the message that families are special no matter what kind they are! Encouraging children to feel fortunate about their situation while being sympathetic to the hurt of divorce and loss can be one of the best ways to establish your home and everyone in it as a family.

As noted before, every family has different challenges that may make the suggestions above harder to implement. However, hopefully these suggestions will be a start and give you hope that a happy mixed family is possible, despite all those fairytales.

Tags & Keywords : stepmother, divorce, mixed family, new, guide, mother